I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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