I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
