I murdered the dance floor call the cops
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
