I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Soap is not a condiment
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
