Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My life is pants optional.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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