he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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