my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
