i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
