sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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