You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
