Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
