i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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