Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
