I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
