i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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