well I can't set my house on fire every night
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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