He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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