Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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