He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Randomize
