I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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