Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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