my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
