My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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