Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
