you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
