Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
