do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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