I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
