dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
