Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
