Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
