All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize