I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize