Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
