I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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