Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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