I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
