Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
