hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
