All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize