Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
