Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
