i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
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