I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
