Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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