Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
try to milk me bitch
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