I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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