your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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