is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
