the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
