I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
