I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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