im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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