I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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