So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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